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Bernard Muhia - My Blog
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She is
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic


She drinks from my fountain,
Worships at my mountain
She weeds my garden,
And dusts off my cobwebs
She whispers in my ear
Talking about what she will wear.
She sheds a joyful tear,
Every time she calls me her sweet dear.
She’s everything a man would want
Her confidence alone makes me fall in love
She is the girl in the park feeding doves
She is the girl in the kitchen with washing gloves
She is the girl in the boardroom chairing the meeting
She is the girl at the reception giving you a greeting

July 4, 2009 | 5:02 PM Comments  0 comments

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Poor soul
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic



I’m just like you, you are poor materially, and I’m poor in spirit. You wear torn clothes and I wear a bare soul. You often go to bed hungry, I often go to bed angry. I walk around depressed, you walk around stressed. You live in an empty mud house, I live in an empty sad house. You salute me despite being my father’s age, I salute you for playing your part on the father’s stage. You complain about malnutrition, I complain about obesity. You can’t come to my exclusive country clubs without a pass, funny enough, I can’t come to the slums because you wouldn’t let me pass. I respect every soul as sacred, you respect every soul as sacred. I’m just like you, it’s just that we lead different lives. Poor soul.

July 1, 2009 | 8:56 AM Comments  4 comments

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Neda's vote counts
Related to country: Iran

Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Neda’s vote counts

As I lay in the streets bleeding,
You are still in fortified palaces feeding
As my friends continue pleading,
You refuse to recount votes and continue misleading
I can feel my soul slowly leaving
Even though my face is beaming
My friends are now fearfully screaming
It’s all becoming hazy like I’m dreaming.

Why did I even bother to vote?
If you were going to rig out my vote
Why did I put my trust in the ballot?
If you would later kill my freedoms with a bullet
You use force to stay in power
Police batons rain on me like a shower,
You will have to kill me because I will not cower.

I lay on my back in the street
You shot me and now my body bleeds
I’m now a martyr, what my soul needs
A revolutionary symbol in my death
You will not continue to commit crimes in stealth.

June 25, 2009 | 12:45 PM Comments  4 comments

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Obama Dreams
Related to country: Kenya

Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Obama Dreams

I have a dream,
That one day,
That two day, today
The twenty-something age-group
Will save Kenya from the aged troupe
That Eric Omondi, Carolle Wambui,
Davis Waithaka, Joyce Mbaya, Bernard Muhia,
Cynthia Kahumbura, Moses Karanja and Valerie Kimani
Will from their respective respected fields
Bring forth national cohesion and great yields
That to be in our twenties
And headed for the stars
Will mean (more than just) something
That it is actually the in-thing
Dreamers, visionaries and pioneers just like Obama
From Kenya with international swagger
Cutting through the red tape like a dagger
And building empires through a policy of inclusion
My Obama dreams for the 20-somethings, is a grand vision.

June 4, 2009 | 4:47 AM Comments  0 comments

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For the ICT Press
Related to country: Kenya

Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

The Kenyan Minister for Education banned students from using mobile phones in schools. The question that arises then is where that leaves the rest of the ICTs and especially the use of the internet in schools. Will E-learning ever take off given that the ministry wants to relegate education back to the Stone Age?

Yes, there were issues around the use of the mobile phones (ICTs) in schools that needed sorting but the education system desperately requires information and communication technologies to transform Kenya into a knowledge-based economy. E-learning and electronic content management are inevitably being integrated into the education system and the Ministry should be spearheading this shift towards development and adaptability. Already, efforts by players in the private sector and the civil society to initiate such a drive have emerged. One such initiative is a conscious, student-driven media interest online at http://www.fernmagazine.com. It is managing content produced by the students themselves. These and other brilliant initiatives are charting a course for the education sector behind the scenes, amidst all the hype around the landing of the undersea fiber optic cable.

June 1, 2009 | 7:48 AM Comments  0 comments

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Eccentric
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Eccentric

A true dreamer, a visionary, an entrepreneur, a pioneer!

I told you about the WFP Orange campaign involving a student-led war against hunger, an email newsletter titled ‘manga iko’ and a photo exhibition to raise awareness about hunger in the country, then four months later, there was a global food crisis.

I told you about a rooftop photography project that would present a bird’s eye view of Nairobi and also include street photography to show a street-level view of the city. The project was also to present architecture as an art at galleries and other art spaces, two months later, there was an exhibition at the Nairobi gallery titled 24- Nairobi around the clock.

I told you about a looming class war in Kenya that was to be propagated by economic inequality and made worse by vast youth unemployment figures. Two prominent magazines-the African Executive and Taking It Global, a blog and a civic organization-Citizens Assembly- carried the article, nine months later, a global think tank, the Economic Intelligence Unit classified Kenya as one of the countries at a risk of social unrest following the global economic crisis and a consultant for the UNDP wants to base his research on my article about the looming class war.

I’ve been telling you that our young people need to be inspired to believe in themselves and their abilities and empowered to realize their heartfelt dreams and desires, and that this can be done through a spiritually-conscious media which embodies Fern Magazine-an online magazine written by students for students. That the coming of the fiber optic cable network will make the internet the next frontier for learning and business with young people thus making Fern Magazine the best platform for advertisers, civic organizations and the government to reach students directly, but you don’t hear me though.

A true dreamer, a visionary, an entrepreneur, a pioneer!

May 11, 2009 | 1:24 AM Comments  0 comments

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I desire
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

I desire

To rekindle that passionate fire
That immersion of our souls
Young and naïve, still learning
We were experimenting with nature
Finding our dreams, yet to mature
It’s that innocence, that purity
That makes me believe in love, sex and magic
Even though we were sometimes nervous, never panic
Coz if we found our bodies, we can find our souls
Sincerity of physical union, pleasure beyond all else
A discovery, like being somebody else,
I love you, I miss you, show me to myself
Make me a believer in right and wrong
Good and evil, a will so strong
Give me power to wrestle giants
But still remain down to earth like ants
Sing me a love song, then get into my pants
Kiss me like you care, hug me like a teddy bear
Take away my pain, blow away the dark clouds
Be like a bride, complete with wedding sounds
I can never run out of love for you, mine abounds
Selfish when my rubbers ran out
I know you wondered why I kept out
I cared for the near future, avoiding conception
Definitely straight, never mind the popular perception
Every woman is in you, a Goddess for real
I think about you, that sex appeal
You are more than these words
You are beautiful beyond
I would lose my breath today in your presence
Even though I know you, I want to rediscover
Perhaps I’m hung over a past flame
But there is nothing past about you dame
And I don’t even need to mention your name
But it rhymes with Ann
Love struck, I desire to be your man.

May 9, 2009 | 2:43 AM Comments  0 comments

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A shift in consciousness
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

A shift in consciousness

The trumpets have sounded,
After two years of doing this and that,
Finally, Prana has moved this and that,
Time to empower the next generation,
Time to fuse hope in humanity,
Set a model business for young people
Tackle their problems without fear or favour,
Chart a new course for this generation,
Preside over a shift of consciousness,
A new awareness in media management,
Take this country to Canaan,
Just like Joshua took over from Moses,
A young man taking over from a mzee,
A visionary leading the way,
To a brighter and harmonious day

The trumpets have sounded
It’s time to get this show on the road
Not the first, second or third liberation,
But a deliverance from the jaws of poverty
A healing from the misery of disease
Redemption from the grip of ignorance
A new sunrise in the plains of Africa
A new beginning to an old lethargic story

On facebook, twitter and Iborian
On the airwaves and on newspapers
Shout a new message, don’t do whispers
Sing a new song, a song of unconditional freedom
Freedom from political mischief
Freedom from maize, oil and grand scandals
Freedom from renting out public utilities to multinationals
Freedom from infringement of our sovereign territory
Freedom of thought, speech and association
What our forefathers died for in `52 and `82

A shift in consciousness, away from dogmatic religions
To a Spiritual dispensation of Love
Away from rigid rules to peace and tolerance
Away from killing in the name of God
Away from stealing from the house of God
Away from celebrity worship and idols
To a recognition of our equality
To an acknowledgement of our oneness
That we are Spiritual beings having a human experience
That when your fellow man suffers, you suffer
When your fellow woman hungers, you hunger
That when a child cries, you feel the pain
That when we discriminate and stigmatize,
It is us that are discriminated and stigmatized
That we share a collective consciousness,
The Human Consciousness,
Birthed from the God Consciousness
Created in his Image and Likeness
What He is, We are,
What She can do, so can We

May 4, 2009 | 7:25 AM Comments  2 comments

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She came back
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

She came back

For five years I wondered,
For five years I wandered,
But none could come close
Our relationship was never put on close
She has always had my heart,
Despite us being worlds apart
She is a stewardess now, flight school,
And I in the media, pretty cool
I would give up going to heaven
Just to be with her.

May 2, 2009 | 3:55 AM Comments  0 comments

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My Soul bleeds with dissatisfaction
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

My soul bleeds with dissatisfaction

What’s the purpose of existence, what am I doing here? And in the meantime, why can’t I have what I want; a Black Benz, a five-roomed crib, 450,000 Shillings to use every month and a smoking hot, intelligent mama!

My soul bleeds with resentment
Who put me here? Who Okayed all the hardships I’ve been through? When will they end? When will I have peace, joy and a bit of love in my life?

My soul bleeds with anger
Tears roll down my face, my heart boils at the thought of another day of frustrations, despair and helplessness. Yeah, I could escape tomorrow, and the day after, but what about those I leave behind to bury my empty shell? Won’t their souls bleed with anger, grief and resentment?
There is no winning, there is no escaping the cycle, there is no outmaneuvering the universe. Did Satan create the universe for his devilish entertainment? We all seem to be pawns on a Goth platter, being muscled around in depression, insecurities, self-doubt and low self-esteem. Surely, God seems helpless in fixing the world, a de facto coup de tat. Look around you, who seems to be in charge? The most High or the most low?

My soul bleeds with confusion
What do I do with my life? How do I live it? And whatever I choose, will I be judged for it at the end of my life? Where is the life manual? Are we to just second guess every move we make in life, given that we don’t know what lies ahead? Who was dumb enough to create a world that is bound to self-destruct, and didn’t they anticipate it would happen this way? If they didn’t, what does that say about them? Or if they knew it would end up this way, was this their intention, to create a world and watch it self-destruct? If that’s the case, we are pawns in a movie, a universal picture that our creator is enjoying popcorn to, laughing their jaws off, and perhaps even making bets on it.
They must have been bored sick to decide to create a universe for their entertainment. And in that case, what else had they been doing before creating the universe. What were they using their life-giving powers on, and are there remains of that so we can compare it with this world and see if they are getting better at using their powers or getting sloppy.

If they are offended by what I’m writing about them and decide to summon me to answer to them, what would I ask them? Would their presence awe me, or would the smell of their breath make me sick? Who the fuck are they anyway? Are they even ‘they’ or is it some lone wolf who was abandoned by His kind and is now projecting His sadist outlook on this world just to kill time, the millions and millions of years He has been around. Is it a She? What are Her kind doing with themselves? Are they white trash or black gangsters, are they Asian sex slaves or Middle East terrorists? You can hate me for pointing out the worst about your race, but you can’t make it go away. You are no more powerful than I am in the face of the universe or its God, or His God and Her God above that. So put a smile on your face and let’s go out there and give them a good show!

April 28, 2009 | 2:49 AM Comments  3 comments

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OMG
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

OMG

I’m a Millionaire
On a sunny April I declare,
I can hear the ecstatic throb,
I no longer need to find that job.
The shame, the guilt, the hate,
All dissolved like a quarter past late
Time to chill, feel, be,
Solitude, gratitude
Teach me to meditate.
I’m a Millionaire
And I will not share.
Five rooms in the prestigious Karen
I prefer a woman who is barren
Nightclubs without beer, outside; just the McLaren
I’m a Millionaire,
Long lost relatives…, I don’t care!

April 21, 2009 | 1:57 AM Comments  0 comments

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Bastard
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Bastard

Says she wants to help the youth,
but they continue to suffer right under her nose,
just like a politician, a hypocrisy I consider uncouth.
Says she wants them to drive up prosperity close,
but an emotional barrier, she continues to pose,
everyday feeding on their imperfections like a dose,
just like I would say to a politician, ef off bastard!


March 28, 2009 | 12:16 PM Comments  0 comments

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(Remix) Her beauty speaks of God
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

(Remix) Her beauty speaks of God

Angels dancing in her hair,
A Goddess with magnificent flair,
Rose petals at her feet,
An innocence evil cannot deplete,
The silky murmur on her lips,
Her beauty speaks of God.

Offspring close to her bosom,
Her body, a microcosm,
Soaked in perfection,
Beauty beyond interjection,
The warm smile on her face,
Her beauty speaks of God.

The lush grass growing,
The slow breeze blowing from her lungs,
Gentle streams rising into tears of joy,
The sheer femininity perhaps a ploy,
Her beauty though, speaks of God.
It’s a wrap, switch off my iPod.

March 27, 2009 | 12:49 AM Comments  4 comments

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Un-understood
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Un-understood

When your people don’t understand the vision,
Like Moses in the desert on a silent mission,
Decisions, decisions, are they still your people?

I could just lead an army of 300,
Send home the tens of thousands of reservists.
Is the divine calling on me to do so?

If you have to fight to give your love,
Questions arise, do they deserve,
Already served their purpose, maybe they have.

March 23, 2009 | 12:31 PM Comments  2 comments

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A prison of the Mind
Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

A prison of the mind

A worry habit is the trap,
Grips you with a stream of thoughts,
Unending, unrelenting, though never real,
They clench hard, with every thought,
Harder, with every stream.
Fear fuels the fire, the grip,
Anxiety does no good,
Frustrations push you off the cliff.

Meditation clips the stream,
The stream of thoughts,
Creates gaps of rest,
An escape from the prison,
If only for a moment.
The freedom is bliss,
The deep full breaths,
The relaxed muscles,
A step back to observe it all,
The consciousness behind the thoughts,
Yes, there’s more to the mind than just the thoughts.
Peace, is how I can describe it,
Floating in empty space,
Uncluttered by everyday struggles,
Struggles that never end, never will
A peace that is Holy,
That is God Herself.



March 18, 2009 | 1:46 PM Comments  1 comments

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Sometimes
Related to country: Kenya

Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Sometimes

The rain drops don’t kiss the ground, sometimes
The expectations turn into frustrations, sometimes
Your friends don’t call you back, sometimes
The job application gets turned down, sometimes
The ink in my pen runs out during exams, sometimes
The paved road comes to a dead end, sometimes
The brakes on my Benz fail, sometimes
The price of unga is out of my reach, sometimes
The plot I bought is on a road reserve, sometimes
My girlfriend brings home another guy, sometimes
I pay the rent just in time, sometimes
I am the best in my class, sometimes
The flight I missed crashes into the ocean, sometimes
My blog post gets published by a Pan-African magazine, sometimes
A stranger pays my fare when I forget my wallet, sometimes
I slow down at the Zebra- Crossing, sometimes
There’s no jam when I’m running late, sometimes
The shopkeeper gives me complimentary milk, sometimes
I find a parking spot right next to the lobby, sometimes
A brand new car, a larger crib, and a thriving business, sometimes.

March 17, 2009 | 2:51 PM Comments  2 comments

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Her beauty speaks of God
Related to country: Kenya

Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Her beauty speaks of God

He has to be a beautiful God,
She who created the universe,
Every flower, every hill, every cloud,
Soaked in perfection, beauty beyond,
The curves on her body,
Her beauty speaks of God.

The butterflies have their purpose,
The vegetation supplying oxygen,
The body a microcosm,
Any animal, bird or fish,
The smile on her face,
Her beauty speaks of God.

The gentle streams rising,
The slow breeze blowing,
The lush grass growing,
The sheer immersion of femininity,
Her beauty speaks of God.

March 16, 2009 | 2:02 AM Comments  2 comments

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Fern (Students') Magazine
Related to country: Kenya

Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Fern Magazine aims at promoting journalism as an esteemed profession among students in university, high school and the college level. The magazine will provide exposure for articles written by journalism club/ association members as well as other students studying for or interested in the profession. It will also publish poetry, essays, plays and other literary material from students who are not necessarily taking journalism as their discipline, but are talented creative writers.

Most secondary schools and other institutions of higher learning have a journalism club as part of their extracurricular activities. These clubs are very active as they have the mandate to accompany any troupe going for activities outside of the school. They then bring back a report of what transpired which is read out at the school assembly or pinned on the notice board for all students to read.

The magazine will collect such news stories among other creative literary material from talented student writers and publish them online so that students from another part of the country can know of what is the latest update. They will also be able to exchange ideas and most importantly exercise their freedom of expression in a manner that is peaceful. The magazine is hosted at www.fernmagazine.com

Young people are by nature very creative. This has been expressed on the internet through the success of user-generated content websites. This is where more and more young people are exercising their power to create their own media rather than consume what has been created for them by someone else. The success of the video-on-demand website www.youtube.com and social networking website www.facebook.com are good examples of the power of the liberalized young person. The online magazine works with the same principle whereby, rather than writing stories and presenting them to the students, we empower the students by asking them to write articles which we then publish in the magazine. This way, the students identify with the product.

In addition to publishing news stories, poetry, essays, plays from journalism clubs/ associations, the magazine’s website will also offer online courses on ethics, civic education, peace and conflict resolution, spiritual learning and human potential growth and development. Various organizations that currently offer such courses have been identified.

The magazine website will also be a platform to conduct campaigns aimed at creating social change. Such campaigns include the anti-drug abuse campaign, the Youth violence prevention campaign, the anti-AIDS campaign among tons others.

We invite your involvement as students, teachers, parents, guardians, civil society and government to offer Journalism as a career choice, to air grievances and celebrate talented creative student writers and reporters, to offer programs that are beneficial to students and increase their exposure to the career/ business world and to inculcate values in students that will be their guiding principles as they become leaders in whatever fields they choose.

In an effort to ensure that the content produced by students adheres to basic journalism principles, the journalism clubs in secondary schools have a patron who is often an English teacher. The English teacher acts as an executive editor and checks whether the quality of the stories is appealing to all audiences. This works in our favor as it lessens our workload. In the case of higher learning institutions such as universities, colleges and polytechnics, the students are expected to be more executive in their editing and rightly so. Students from these institutions can be relied on to edit their articles inline with guidelines from the profession which will be made available to them on the website. The Fern Magazine Editor gives the final go ahead on the publishing of the literary material received from student writers and reporters.

It is our belief that the media can be and should be used as a tool of world benefit. The ‘sensationalization’ of bad news and the use of media as a tool of incitement has depleted the value of journalism as a profession. It is our desire to see the day when bad news is not censored but that good and uplifting stories also make the headlines more regularly than the sad repetitive stories.

Fern Magazine
Keep your pen alive.

March 10, 2009 | 1:52 AM Comments  1 comments

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Rural schools to also access online magazine
Related to country: Kenya

Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

The unique design of Fern students’ magazine has broadened the access of online content for schools that do not have an internet connection. The online magazine boasts of a download-able version that once downloaded, can be read on a computer without the need to go online.
This essentially means that an entire student body only needs to send one representative to the post office or nearest cybercafé to download the current issue of the magazine and bring it back to the computer laboratory where students can read it from.

Fern magazine which is hosted at www.fernmagazine.com publishes content from students. It captures the creativity of articulate students who can write essays on topical issues. The magazine also provides exposure for journalism club students who can report on events. In addition, Fern magazine is a learning platform for courses on ethics, peace and conflict resolution, spiritual and religious teaching and human growth and development.

February 7, 2009 | 2:12 PM Comments  0 comments

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Out of the Toilet
Related to country: Kenya

Translations available in: English (original) | French | Spanish | Italian | German | Portuguese | Swedish | Russian | Dutch | Arabic

Out of the Toilet- Getting your life back
Introduction
Getting your life back (out of the toilet) is a story that lightly touches on my life experience over the last two years through events perhaps influenced by events that happened over a decade ago. The title captures literally what my life has become or failed to become, what effect these experiences have had to my overall view of life, my productivity and most especially my spirituality. Chapter one talks of the stink. Basically, this chapter is about any situation or condition in your life that you wish you never had. I guess this is the weakness that plastic surgeons prey on to get clients. Chapter two, the Harpic cleaner is about accepting who you are just as you are and realizing that everything that happens to you has a deeper meaning which you can see if you really look for it, or as time passes and you can put the jigsaw pieces together. Realize that you are as Psalmist put it “wonderfully and fearfully made…and in the image of God”. (Paraphrased) ‘Harpic’ is a toilet cleaning detergent that is sold in here in Kenya. The third chapter, the Master Bedroom is about living in abundance both on the inside with love, joy and peace, but also on the outside where material things come into play. I welcome you to journey with me within, into the past and also into the future. However to a large degree, of which you will discover towards the end, my story is more about the present. The present is a gift. Read that last sentence again. The essence of this story is that I, you, we, are to embrace the present moment and in so doing be in harmony and in fellowship with the Great Universal Intelligence and Presence that is traditionally called God. No matter your religion, there is someone or something you believe to be greater than you, to be without blemish and to be an all-loving Being. Come with me to Him, or Her, the Great I AM.
Out of the Toilet- Getting your life back
Part 1……………………………………………………………………The Stink!
Part 2……………………………………………………………………The Harpic Cleaner
Part 3……………………………………………………………………The Master Bedroom

Part one
The Stink!
For me, the stink is its literal meaning. I really stink up the place, if you have ever had the pain of coming into contact with me, whether on the Citihopper bus, or at a conference, then you know what I am talking about.
The story begins months back when tap water had been temporarily disconnected to enable repairs at the pump station. In such scenarios, the standard procedure is to use pit latrines as the little water in storage is for use in the kitchen. So this one fin morning during the disconnection period, just as I was about to leave for work, I felt pressed to use the facilities. Having already suited up, I only took off my coat and entered the latrine. Once I was through with the business, I briefly aired outside to relieve my clothes off of the latrine stench. Minutes later however, the latrine odour seemed to have set in my shirt and tie. I shrugged it off thinking it would soon wear off as I walk in the chilly morning weather to the bus stop. I know pit latrines from way back when I lived with my grandmother upcountry and even in High school, and the stench always went away.
So I confidently marched off with my folder to catch a matatu (bus) to work knowing that by the time I had covered the kilometer or so, I would be fine. It felt so when I boarded a bus and got an aisle seat. About ten minutes into the one hour journey, I noticed a faint remnant of the stench and though that it was dying off it being faint. But the faintness wasn’t getting fainter; it just remained as it was. I was now beginning to become a bit self-conscious about it and I noticed one or two people twitch their noses. Then it got serious. I myself could not deny that the seemingly faint stink was not going away. My mind went off in all directions imagining the worst. The matatu had some music on and I tried to concentrate on that hoping to forget the unfolding drama. But that didn’t last long before a lady seated on the other side of the aisle went all out and covered the lower half of her face with her handkerchief.
By now it was fully out that something was utterly out of balance. The nose twitching increased and I tried my best to ignore it as a bad dream or my imagination playing tricks on me. The more I tried to ignore, the more I think it became noticeable. At one point, I contemplated alighting and taking another bus but that idea was quickly killed when I remembered I had almost enough money to get me through the ay and back home. With this knowledge in mind, I knew there was no other way than to suck it up. The morning traffic didn’t help much. I blocked out the rest of the journey and thought about the whole incident once I was off that bus. Unfortunately, I had to take two buses to work but the second one is a fifteen minute dash. I don’t even remember how the rest of the day went, but ever since, it’s like my body re-enacts that ordeal every time I get on a bus. It became serious when I realized the same stench stayed with me even when I use the washrooms at the office. My self-consciousness around the issue got worse and worse and even my meetings were affected. Ever since then, it hasn’t changed one bit. I get so self-conscious when around people, the anxiety kicks in and I can smell the outward manifestation of it.
The Gait
Another physical trait that has been troubling me is my gait. Gait is the manner or way of walking. Two years ago, I didn’t even know, at least on the conscious level, that people had unique gaits, to me, the right foot went forward, then the left foot, followed by the right foot and so on. There was nothing mystical or peculiar about walking.
This story goes all the way back to High school. Back then, adolescence was at its peak and I was just coming to terms with my parents’ separation. So the rebellious nature kicked in and I resented life for the separation. I think I took it out on God too because I stopped going to the school chapel. I only did so when the teachers on duty patrolled the school grounds and made sure that everyone went to the chapel.
A detachment from reality encompassed my rebellion. By this I mean, I drowned myself in daydreaming. While in classrooms, on the sports ground and even while doing other things. I hung my shoulders and dragged my feet as I walked, and even then I was zoned out, daydreaming. I did this all through High school which I never had much meaning for.
After High school, I had matured a bit and I slowly though unintentionally shook off the resentment together with the drooped shoulders and the dragging feet. Undoing years of damage would however take time. I went to university and it was hardly an issue. At least on the conscious level, I didn’t think the shoulders were hung anymore, although my shoes rubbed against each other as I walked but that was hardly troublesome. The first two years on campus were normal, I mean, going out to clubs, doing assignments and coursework and chasing after girls.
It was in third year though that a housemate made a comment one day as I was walking out of the compound where we rented on my way to a lecture. He casually mentioned that I slightly walked like a girl. I didn’t even pay attention to that because the norm with my group of friends was blasting each other with jokes, that’s how we passed time as there was regular power rationing. It came up in my mind later what my housemate had said and I got curious of his statement. Why did he say that, and was there any truth to the remark? Was it the usual jokes? I mean, no one ever said anything like that or about how I walked, at least not until High school when a friend pointed out how I dragged my feet when I walked. In High school, I already knew I dragged my feet, so it wasn’t any surprise to hear it. Here in campus, I knew that I hadn’t completely kicked that habit of dragging my feet as I walked, but it’s not like I had made it my mission to do so. It was later that I felt hurt in a way for the comparison with how a girl walks, because when I observed, I could see how girls sway their waists as they walked, which is partly why we check them out.
Was he being plain mean or did his remark hold truth in it? I never asked him about it lest he thought I had taken it seriously. Living in the same quarters meant I interacted with him almost all the time. I decided to ask another friend who I knew wouldn’t use the information later in a joke back. He dismissed it with a no and that was that. I shrugged it off and went on with my life. It was later that yet another friend tried to imitate me by slumping his shoulders and dragging his feet that I noticed that his portrayal of me included a swaying of the waist. Then it dawned on me that perhaps the earlier remark might have been true. Of course since I was being portrayed jokingly, I also laughed, at least on the outside. I think I subconsciously started walking that way because a short while after that people, strangers started making similar remarks. I overheard a quite a few. It really got serious. More and more people were commenting, loudly even! They uttered disgusting things like he is walking with unnecessary pride, or it’s an abomination others just making annoying sounds. Some even went as far as to suggest that I was a homosexual. This last one really pissed me off!
The remarks kept coming and I just couldn’t take it anymore. I started thinking that something was terribly wrong with me; I can’t be the only one who is right! The though came to me that perhaps a physiotherapist would know what was going on, and so I went to a clinic looking for one, but I was directed to a psychiatrist. He was a celebrity psychiatrist, whom I had seen on T.V. and I divulged my story. He wrote me a prescription for anti-depressants. I was really shocked! Anti-depressants! Really?
He said it was just a creation of the mind as a result of stress and depression. I never took the prescription to a pharmacy, nor did I go back to see him. And so I have lived with it since. It got to a point where it met up with the stink and they both wore me down, I even stopped going to work where I was volunteering because it was either drama in the bus or on the streets as I walked. I am now housebound as a result.
The Depression
It is now over a year after my brief interaction with the psychiatrist and I can honestly admit that things as they stand are worse off. On the prescription, the doctor wrote that the pills were for a psychosomatic case. I looked it up, it means (of an illness) caused by mental problems, such as stress and worry, rather than physical problems. Am I depressed, I strongly think so. Most of my thoughts have gradually moved from my unemployed status to the fact that out there they think am gay and to even questioning my very existence. When you get to the point where you are using words like melancholic to express your life experience at that moment, then I think it is acceptable to say that yes, your life is in the toilet.
In retrospect, I have come to agree that the origin of this ordeal is my parents’ separation fourteen years ago. In a way, I have spent a huge chunk of that time with my head buried in the sand about the matter and thus resentment and deep seated anger have over time given way to the psychosomatic condition I am in right now. It might be easy for an outsider to easily dismiss me as just seeking attention, but whether that is so or not is not the issue at hand. It is, dare I say, ‘African’ to sweep things under the carpet and especially where unfamiliar emotions are at the heart of the matter. And it is even worse when you are a man, because you are culturally not supposed to show emotion, men don’t cry, you are told. Society teaches you to suck it up, be a man! T.D. Jakes, the Bishop addressed this issue at a men’s conference that I only got snippets of. Our great local musician ‘Kanji’ expresses it so beautifully in his song ‘Am just a man’.
Will men ever be allowed to ‘cry’? Society carries you on its shoulders when you are doing well but frowns upon you when you are down. Is it a wonder then that our men drown their sorrows in alcohol? Or is this acceptable as a manly thing to do? I don’t have the official statistics but men commit suicide far more than women do! Why is that?

Part two
The Harpic Cleaner
Over the last year or so, I have been fortunate to get my hands on uplifting literature, mostly on how to be successful, but more importantly on spirituality and awakening the consciousness. These are the books that have kept me going through this tough period. Unlike the Harpic commercial though, the words in these books haven’t been able to cleanse my mind off of defeatism completely. However, I like what they have been able to offer, Hope. Other than Barrack Obama, they have been the most encouraging sources in the face of a storm wrecking havoc on my spirits. To me, spiritually, and not religion, offers a way out. Spiritually alive literature like ‘Conversations with God’ books 1 and 2 by Neale Donald Walsch and ‘A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle have stirred up passion and enthusiasm inside of me that was threatened with submersion by gloom and despair. I cannot fail to mention the life-giving words of Joel Osteen, pastor to Lakewood church in Houston, Texas.
It seems, when hope is almost out of breath, along comes great teachers and encouragers who lend a hand and lift you out of the toilet you are in. so are things back to normal? Hardly, but I can live with hope in my heart, joy in my soul, peace in my mind and love in my Being. Though the storm continues to rage on the outside, calm and stillness pervades on the inside. The calm I speak of is the resultant of a meditative consciousness that overpowers worry, anxiety and fear to bring back balance in one’s life. It’s an awakening that Eckhart Tolle speaks of candidly in his book, ‘A New Earth’. It is a giving of oneself to the universe, to be an instrument through which the universe is becoming conscious of itself. This is true living, which I would pick over sleepwalking through life. It is a life with a purpose higher than material accumulation and the need to control people through power, money or force. It is this journey within that will enrich the without.

Part three
The Master Bedroom
Getting your life back-out of the toilet-is the first step. Living in abundance is the last. What does not kill you can only make you stronger. After every adversity, on the other side lies a better, stronger you, ready to live life to the full with endowments that you did not have prior. It’s about getting out of the toilet, out of the washroom and into the master bedroom. Your life should be enriched by your experience. It should be expanded and made more elastic than it was before. King David had to face his Goliath and on the other side, he emerged as the Leader of God’s People.